Tomestone Journal: Unsettling Feelings

Date Posted: November 17, 2021

I’m going to write about something today that I’ve been hesitating to approach. But I figured seeing this is my personal Tome journal, locked down with the highest encryption programs of Allagan times, I should be the only one who ever reads this. ‘Tis safe enough to write this here.

How to start this…

I’m not much for sentimentality, but, lately I’ve been feeling thing that are way off base. Let me back up a bit here. ‘Tisn’t been just lately, ‘tis been for a while. Only, I didn’t recognize until lately that I was having bouts of emotional misgiving, mostly aimed towards my once-rival… let me just call her “S.”

Sure, she helped fabricate the process that saved my life. Sure, she tended me when I was too weak to care for myself. Sure, she’s done all of this despite the awful things I’ve done to her in the long-past.

But should any of that amount to flights of fancy in the, I daresay, almost romantic leaning?

‘Tis not only inconceivable. ‘Tis downright ludicrous!

Even if I could allow myself to indulge in these feelings – which I cannot! – ‘tis absolutely no way that S would ever return my sentiments. She has a deeply kind heart – I see that now – but too many bad things have passed between us over the years for her to care for me in that way. This I am certain of.

So, ‘tis all a matter of how to best cover it up at this point. Eventually, if I put my stage-face on and act as if none of it exists, it should wither away. After all, Amon of the Tower was not one given to whims of the heart. Indeed, most people who knew me in the old times might claim I had no heart to begin with!

 ‘Tisn’t as easy as that, however. S and I work together closely these days – the irony of that. Be it in training in Magery or taking on missions to provide gil for our Free Company’s continued residence. I suppose I could distance myself in these things, but I worry that if I make too sudden a move to do so, she will take notice – she has surprising scrutiny about such things, but ‘tis the way of women, I believe.

So to deviate my current daily path would only call attention to myself. Therefore, I must needs make plans to be gradual about my separation from her. ‘Tis something that must be done for the betterment of us both. ‘Twould not do for me to continue to secretly dote upon her… or anyone else, for that matter. I have work I must do and no time for such trifles!

As it is, I won’t drone on about this here. I’ve said far too much already. I will be double checking the security on this Tome because it just wouldn’t do for this information to fall into any hands. I couldn’t imagine my humiliation should S learn of…

Well. Never mind that. The Tome is encrypted and that is that.